the year end always get me thinking and brooding. sleep just won't come.

this is why i couldn't be a doctor. my death is easy. the death of others, not quite so. to see a vibrant human being degenerate and fall apart. i can't do it.

i just read your august post and i'm all emotionallike a menopausal/pregnant woman (y)

i can't wait for our 2014 date. but let's have many more in the meantime. including our mongolian date (y) and twilight & one day stopped showing ): grumps

you are my soulmate <3

2011 just went by in a heartbeat. well, my heart feels dead, so i'm not sure what kind of a heartbeat i'm talking about. but you get what i mean.

2011 was about being home, about being with my family and dearest friends, about doing what i think i ought to do, and taking the cumbersome but unfortunately necessary steps to build the foundation for my dreams. this year definitely won't stand out as one of the best years of my life. i think nothing can quite beat 2009 and 2010. perhaps 2014? haha.

but i am thankful nonetheless for what 2011 brought me. 2011 can best be described as new friends and old friends i suppose. new friends have to be may, dom & sakhoo. they made everyday a joy, everyday bearable. and the madness and quirks of us four is just awesome (: haha. and old friends, you know who you are. actually i think everyone knows since i'm always going on about my best friends (snorts). you guys are my world (:

and i am equally thankful for those at work. everyone is genuinely nice. and i honestly can't ask for anything more.

i learned how elastic i was this year. how i can be pushed and reach greater lengths. (albeit rather grumpily sometimes). i realised how much korean i actually understand (its all thanks to korean dramas). i felt the helplessness and frustration of being stuck here when i wanted to be out there easing some of the senseless suffering of this world. i realised how easily i could give up material possessions. i realised how discontented i would be with the rest of my life if i took the easy way out. i saw people for who they really are, stripped away of the riches, possessions, statuses and positions. i realised that at the end of the day, rich, poor, successful or downtrodden, we were fundamentally the same. death comes in the same form. suffering can come to anyone. and at the end of your life, whether lucid and young, or old, befuddled and drugged out, it is the simple things that come back to you. family, friends and what you have done with your life.

and with each year that goes by, the brevity of life never fails to shock me. it's so easy to put things off, to say tomorrow, next week. what if you don't have that tomorrow, that next week. that's why i always feel like i'm in such a rush. i don't know when it'll come. i don't know when i'll go. it's morbid i know, but i always have this feeling of urgency deep inside, like i'm never going to have enough time to achieve what i want to achieve. shrugs.

i shuttered my heart again this year. it wasn't hard really -.- but sometimes, i forget the hold you have on me, and i slip. and i don't like it. i've managed to stand more independently on my own now. no longer leaning on you as much. and while i hurt and am jealous at times. perhaps this is the only way to avoid greater pain, and to be okay with what is.

2012? i don't have much expectations really. all i want is health for my family and friends, less suffering for my grandma (mom's mom) and more opportunities to see the world. i just hope that i don't end up like a shriveled up corpse at the end of 2012. drained of my soul (y) thanks.

I have such a crush on dae yoon from dugewol (two months). He is so bashful he is adorable to death. It totally doesnt hurt tt he has such a lovely voice, especially with yerim. Mms. I miss being surprised. I miss feeling that sense of wonderment. I feel dead and shriveled up inside. I'm not sure if I can last 2 years like this.